cairistiona's place

“Well, Steve Rogers woke up 50 or 60 years later and is in a completely different world from the 1940s. So, we’re dealing with how the world has changed.

“For instance his apartment is kind of unsettled. He hasn’t really unpacked anything. He doesn’t feel moved into his apartment and his world. That was a conscious design decision. It was supposed to feel unsettled and uncomfortable.“ - James Carson, concept artist CA:TWS (x) 

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Some thoughts as I sort out my own headcanon for Steve Rogers, mostly because I’m working on a fic set in Steve’s apartment building, and I’m also thinking about doing an entire series set within the building, exploring the relationships between Steve and his neighbors and what having Captain America living in your building might be like.

So… there’s a lot of fanon out there about Steve being a neatnic, not a book out of place, everything orderly and lined up with military precision, which is logical, given that’s how a lot of veterans do keep their homes. I know my own father, an Army veteran, would drive my mother nuts by always lining up the knick-knacks in militarily precise rows after he dusted (she didn’t complain *too* much; he did dust the house, after all). Looking at the concept art above and comparing to how it translated into the actual movie sets, you can see some of that in how Steve lives. Everything is clean and dusted and there are some things that are neatly put away, like his records in the record cabinet below the turntable. But… there’s also a lot of unfinished stuff.  Framed photos of loved ones aren’t hanging on the walls yet, dishes are on the shelves but not really neatly arranged (in the movie more than in the concept art). The books are still somewhat haphazard on their shelves and piled on the floors (I love how many books there are. Steve Rogers, bibliophile! My headcanon now includes him digging through dusty used book stores, trying to find early 20th century editions of books because that’s what he read when he was a kid and a young man, and holding onto familiar books is so damned comforting).

The artist wanted to show that Steve hasn’t settled into his new life yet, and the way they eventually built the set is definitely visual testament to the turmoil that Steve was suffering. There’s still strength; loss hasn’t driven Steve to any compulsive hoarding disorders nor has he so given up that he doesn’t keep the place presentable, if a little more ‘lived-in’ than one might think he would otherwise. He (with adorable awkwardness) invites the pretty blonde next door over to use his washer & dryer for the price of a cup of coffee, after all (and that scene makes my heart ache… he’s so lonely. Ugh. He is still so very much awkward skinny Steve despite being turned into a giant and the poster boy for Wow What a Hunk of Male Wonderfulness). So there’s nothing about his place that he’s ashamed of. That speaks well of his basic mental health.

Before I go on, full disclosure: I’m not big on the ‘suicidal Steve’ scenarios in so many fics, the ones that have him all but non-functional. Not hating on those that do, because fanfiction is for exploring all roads. It’s just not my own headcanon. I do think he certainly could experience some transient depressive moments of that severity and indeed is most likely in an extended period of transient/reactive depression because… yeah, who wouldn’t be?? It’s fairly obvious he’s not in a good state of mind from the moment he loses Bucky until the events we see unfold in CA:TWS, but I don’t think it’s as black and permanent as is often portrayed in fics. I see in him an ability to assess himself and eventually adapt passing well to his new life, coping with PTSD, moral injury, all those issues, because, in no small part, I don’t see how the serum would allow for the various chemical imbalances in the brain that lead to the more severe clinical depression and related mental illness that fic writers ascribe to him. His body heals quickly; so surely must his brain, though mood and emotion transcend the mere physical. Anyway, that’s getting into something more complex than I feel able to tackle, so I’ll stop before this thing turns into a dissertation instead of just a post. Armchair psychology on a fictional character, wheee! Definitely a lot of YMMV in this essay.

Back to the apartment. No impassable suicidal abyss, but there is… avoidance. The things on the wall are fairly impersonal, reflecting his interests (motorcycles, for one) but not really his deeper affections. No Peggy, no Bucky, no Momma (FWIW, I take that spelling from the comics, can’t remember which one). Maybe those are in the bedroom, which we never see, but I have a feeling any photos of them, other than the one of Peggy in his compass, are still locked away in boxes (and in sketch books) because it’s something he’s not ready to have staring at him every day (except when he’s sketching). His trips to the Smithsonian and the moments in those Avengers deleted scenes where he’s looking through SSR files and watching videos are probably somewhat infrequent, done when he feels strong enough to face his grief and see if he’s beyond the pain enough to find comfort. I… doubt the comfort outweighs the pain just yet, though he still has to try. (I’m admittedly basing this conclusion on my own experience. I recently lost both parents, my mother in 2013 and my father just last fall, and perhaps that’s coloring my interpretation here. While I have been able to dig through a lot of their belongings and sort out some things, I have hit a brick wall when it comes to sorting through photos. It’s still too soon, and I see in Steve’s apartment a very real sense of “it’s still too soon”.)

In my headcanon, I think his friendship with Sam Wilson and then later with Sharon Carter will help immensely, as will whatever relationship he can re-establish with Bucky, once Bucky gets sorted out. His own sense of wanting his life to count for something and make the world better will be a source of strength as he goes forward. Steve’s apartment, if he continues to live in DC, will eventually become a warmer, more inviting place. It will eventually be imbued with a sense of home (and please Marvel, do that for this poor guy in the MCU!). But at the time period between his thawing, the Battle of New York and the trauma of CA:TWS and beyond, he’s not going to be unpacking those boxes any time soon.